


First Date

by Elisong



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-15
Updated: 2018-09-15
Packaged: 2019-07-12 13:49:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15996488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elisong/pseuds/Elisong
Summary: When Rimmer decides to use Kochanski's disk to imitate her form and end Lister's pining for her, things don't go exactly as planned.





	First Date

His plan was simple, really. He'd just quickly slip into Kochanski's hologramatic form - Holly had already inferred that it'd be possible - and he would trick Lister. He'd say, in her arrogant nasally voice, _'I don't like you, Dave. Never have, never will. You're a putrid, brown mystery stain on the pants of society.'_ Then Lister would give that stupid puppy dog pout he always does, tuck his tail between his legs and give up on her. Give up on **them**. She was gone, damn it. And Rimmer wasn't going to be switched off willy nilly so Lister could get his rocks off!

Rimmer twisted and turned in front of the full length mirror, the body of Kochanski bouncing around in various places that didn't normally bounce. It was almost hypnotic really. Shaking his head, Rimmer steadied himself. He would have to try and be fairly convincing here, considering Lister was damn near obsessed with her. Wait, not near. Definitely obsessed. He never appreciated that, really. When they would talk, on the rare occasion, Kochanski always wormed herself into the conversation somewhere. There was always a moment where Lister's eyes would glaze over and he'd mention her name, that far off stare like he was imagining her. Imagining **them**. It infuriated Rimmer. Why couldn't Lister just be present in the moment and pay attention to **him**? Why couldn't they have a civilised discussion without the topic turning to that... that _woman_!

He shook his head again. He really needed to clear his mind - it was beginning to sound a bit like jealousy. With a scoff, he adjusted the collar of the uniform that sat over her delicate collarbones. Jealous? Of what? Lister, the fetid man with less manners and hygiene than an old, flatulent dog? Of course he wasn't jealous of Lister. He didn't like Kochanski in the slightest - even when Rimmer was alive, he had absolutely zero interest in the woman. If she had sauntered over with all her bits on display, he would have turned her down. Not his type. Not at all. No sir.

And to think, Lister had said he would become an officer. Him! Of all people! Then he would 'order' Rimmer to turn himself off. Cease his existence. All for that tart. Lister would revise, write and _learn_? Take an exam with the _actual_ intent to _actually_ pass and _actually_ become an officer? He's never cared about that before! If there was a job lower than 'Third Technician' aboard Red Dwarf, Lister would have been it. Would have preferred it probably; less responsibility. Hell, he probably would have just bummed around all day, drinking and smoking to his slovenly hearts' content.

Well, Rimmer'd soon fix it once and for all. He'd waltz in there and announce it was never going to happen. She didn't like him, end of story, so stop talking about her. No more 'plan', no more 'Fiji', no more 'forcing Rimmer to turn himself off'.

As Rimmer began to walk down the corridor, he noticed his arms and shoulders were quite rigid. He sighed, rolling them and trying to relax. Taking a pause for a breath, he continued, his walk now a touch more feminine and less like an angry gorilla. Rimmer knew that Lister was taking his chef's exam, so he figured it was two birds with one stone. Tell him to move on from Kochanski, and distract him from the exam so he didn't become an officer. Win-win.

"Hello, Dave."

God, her voice. It made Rimmer's skin crawl. Still, he plastered on the biggest, pinball-iest smile he could muster, watching as Lister removed a bowl from the microwave and instead of placing it down, stared slack-jawed. Then promptly screamed and burned himself. Git.

"I'm just doing this erm, I'm takin' this erm... this is a surprise!"

He sounded so smegging excited. Smegging smegger.

"Dave, why didn't you just _tell_ me how you felt about me when I was still alive?"

Lister prattled on and on. _'Yes, you are all of those things,'_ Rimmer agreed internally, shifting slightly closer as he prepared to deliver the devastating blow. The heart breaker. The gut wrencher. The relationship ender.

"I'm sorry, but I just don't like you."

It was hard to say that. Why was it hard to say that? Regardless, Rimmer had said it. And just as he suspected, Lister's face immediately crumpled in defeat. Embarrassed, was he? Didn't know what to say, did he? _'Yes,'_ Rimmer thought, trying to hide his smile, _'Perfect.'_

"Suppose it's sort of pointless you doing the exam now."

"Well, yeah. It's sort of pointless me breathin' in an out, if ya wanna know the truth."

Okay, that stung. Rimmer tried to press on, tried not to let it get to him. He needed to squish this filthy little obsession he had with that woman, once and for all. _'Big finish now, Rimsy!'_

"I could never love **anyone** like you." That might have been a bit much. He had to lighten the mood a tad before Lister shot himself out of an airlock. Kochanski definitely seemed the type to fall for high up officers. Captains, probably. Wouldn't settle for anything less, he bet. She probably had ridiculously high standards that no real man could live up to.

"So you might as well pack up your pots and pans and off you go. I need a man who's going places! Up, up, up the ziggurat, lickety split!"

Rimmer paused. He hoped he hadn't just given himself away. It was really difficult to act like this petulant woman for so long, and it was beginning to grate on his nerves. He hated having her casually mentioned in conversation, and now he was pretending to _be_ her. Ugh. It couldn't be over quick enough.

"So it... didn't mean anythin' to ya, then?"

Hang on. What?

"What didn't?"

"You know when we... made love on the snooker table behind the bins."

Uh-oh. He was feeling sick again. Dreadful, stomach twisting sick. They... they made love? Those two, together? Naked? Together?

"You never told me that!"

He was getting flustered now. He didn't need to know that, definitely not. Definitely didn't need to imagine them doing the horizontal tango. Definitely didn't need to imagine Lister in the throes of ecstasy. Oh, good God.

"I thought you might have noticed!"

Rimmer's mind snapped back into place, trying his hardest to maintain the facade. It was becoming fairly difficult, now, what with that little revelation.

"Oh, yes! Yes! I remember now!"

Lister eyed him up and down. Rimmer stood silently, plastered pinball smile beginning to falter. He wanted to gnaw on his fist. He wanted scream into his pillow. Anything but standing right there, in front of Lister, within the body of the woman who he had... done things. With. Sensual, private, sexual things. Things that Rimmer definitely shouldn't still be imagining, but they wouldn't leave his mind. Over and over, the image of Lister pleasuring hi - her. Her. Not him. Of course, not him. Her.

"You always were an interestin' girl," Lister grumbled, fiddling with the rolling pin he'd left on the table. He rolled it around absentmindedly, before he smirked and nodded toward the door.  
"Why don't yeh give me a shot, eh? Let me take you out. Yeh can't eat or nothin', but I can have Holly whip you up a mean cocktail."

Oh, smeg. Oh smegging smeg. How smegging smegtastic. What on Io had he gotten himself into this time?

"Oh, I don't-," Rimmer paused, shaking his head wildly from side to side as the annoying brown locks whisked in front of his face, "I don't think so, no. No, I don't think so. Probably not, no. Must be off. Check on the ship, and all that. I'll see you around, Dave."

Before Rimmer had the chance to fling himself out of the room at light speed, a gentle, sad sigh filled his ears. He glanced up, ' _damn this short woman'_ , at big brown eyes that seemed to be pleading.

"Come on," Lister whispered, a sound Rimmer didn't think he'd ever heard the whole time he'd known him, "Just one evenin'. Promise I'll treat yeh right. Show yeh the man I can be."

_Smeg._

"If..." Rimmer steeled himself, almost unable to deny that unusually low and calm Scouser voice, "If it's just for tonight. Fine."

_Smeeeeeg._

**Author's Note:**

> This has been my first story in quite some time! I'm excited to continue writing this silly little thing. Hope you enjoyed!


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